15 Nov, 2012
Posted by Stacy
After a divorce, is it possible to overcome sorrow, bitterness, anger, and resentment and form a peaceful relationship with your former spouse? How and why would you want to?
The answers are convincingly and logically presented in Befriending Your Ex after Divorce: Making Life Better for You, Your Kids, and, Yes, Your Ex
?Most divorced couples make some effort for the sake of their children,? notes Rabinor, ?but they should also consider their own peace of mind and the impact on their extended families and mutual friends.?
She believes people should view divorce not only as a pathway to freedom from past relationship problems, but the beginning of a unique new type of friendship with someone they once loved.
?It requires seeing the big picture?embracing the needs of everyone involved?and taking the high road. Don?t assume you have to continue feeling and expressing anger to justify your divorce.?
Marriages fall apart for all kinds of seemingly unforgivable reasons, and new issues emerge such as finances, child visitation schedules, and new partners that can cause conflict and tension. Rabinor addresses all of the possible barriers to friendship with coping strategies, practical guidance, case studies, research from relationship experts, and exercises. Her sensible and easy-to-read book has separate chapters on developing core befriending skills, overcoming grief and anger, letting go, identifying and focusing on just the major problems, dealing with the pitfalls of combative attitudes, accepting an ex?s new love, celebrating holidays and traditional family events, and adjusting to new rituals.
Rabinor says befriending a former spouse takes time and involves these five C concepts:
? Communication. You let your ex know well in advance that you will be an hour late dropping off your son for an acceptable reason, such as his involvement in a school project.
? Compromise. Your ex wants you to share the cost of an expensive bicycle for a child. You say how much you can contribute and suggest a cheaper bike. Instead, he agrees to pay the difference.
? Compassion. Your ex is recovering from surgery. You make him a meal or shop for his groceries.
? Celebration. You plan a graduation party for your child and invite your ex and his new family.
? Collaboration. Your elderly mother has dementia. You investigate home care and nursing homes, and your ex helps you decide the best and most affordable solution.
Rabinor acknowledges that not all of her strategies and exercises apply to everyone, and that an authentic new friendship might not develop if dangerous behaviors don?t change, such as addictions or verbal and physical abuse. Nor does she take sides with the reader, who she asks to assess and take responsibility for his or her own behavior and to identify areas that need improvement.
?The only person you can really change is yourself. Do your part and treat your ex kindly, and if he or she refuses to reciprocate, continue to take the high road. You?ll eventually succeed, or at least have the satisfaction of knowing you?re doing the right thing.?
Befriending Your Ex after Divorce: Making Life Better for You, Your Kids, and, Yes, Your Ex
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Judith Ruskay Rabinor, Ph.D.
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About the Author:
Judith Ruskay Rabinor, Ph.D., is a psychologist, psychotherapist, author, founder and director of the American Eating Disorders Center with offices in New York City and Lido Beach, Long Island. For more than three decades she has worked with individuals, couples, groups and families. Dr. Rabinor is an engaging speaker and storyteller with decades of teaching at Long Island University. She has also presented her work to diverse audiences, including Harvard University Continuing Education, Esalen Institute, Princeton University, Barnard College and the Oprah Winfrey TV show.
After obtaining her PhD in 1978, Judy developed a specialty in eating disorders. In 2002 she published A Starving Madness: Tales of Hunger, Hope and Healing in Psychotherapy (Gurze Books). Currently she consults to the Renfrew Center Foundation and is an instructor and supervisor at the Center for the Study of Anorexia and Bulimia in New York City.
www.judithruskayrabinorphd.com
What People Are Saying:
?This is an inspiring book every divorced parent should have on their night-table and every therapist who works with divorcing families should have in their office. Judy Rabinor offers both a professional and a personal model of co-parenting after divorce.?
? Diana Fosha, Ph.D, Founder and Director of the AEDP Institute, Author
?One of the hardest things we are called upon to do in life is to open our hearts to someone who hurt or betrayed us. Befriending Your Ex helps former partners access the love and compassion they have for each other that is buried beneath the pain. This book can help make post-divorce life a period of learning and beauty.?
?Richard Schwartz, Ph.D. Founder and Director of Internal Family Systems. Author: Introduction to Internal Family Systems
Therapy and You are the One You?ve been Looking for: A Guide to Intimate Relationships
?Whether you?re angry or sad about your break-up, Befriending Your Ex shows you how to manage your feelings and find healthy new ways to relate to your ex. A valuable guide book that should be read by everyone who has an ex!?
?Constance R. Ahrons, Ph.D. Author, The Good Divorce and We?re Still Family
?Befriending your Ex after Divorce is a wise, practical and compassionate guide that will help make your transition easier, happier and ultimately a pathway to renewal. It is a gateway into forgiveness ? which is the key to all lasting change.?
?Barbara Biziou, Author, The Joy of Ritual and The Joy of Family Rituals
?Dr. Judy Rabinor has felt the pain of divorce herself and helped hundreds of clients through the process. If you or someone you love are facing a painful break-up or have experienced one, this book is for you.?
?Everett L. Worthington, Jr., Author of Forgiving and Reconciling
?This book is an invaluable resource for divorcing parents who want their children to grow up healthy and emotionally secure in a dual household family. Judy?s insight, experience, humor and spunk make her one of my favorite experts to interview for my films.?
?Leta Lenik, Documentary Film Producer, including Hungry to be Heard and Women Unchained.
?Much has been written on the importance of having a good divorce for the children?s sake. Judith Rabinor?s book goes deeper. She offers a fresh perspective by focusing on the couple?s unique personal relationship after divorce. Ground-breaking, with practical guidance reframing our thinking on this important subject.?
?James. H Feldman, Esq. Fellow, American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers
?Before you hire an aggressive attorney, read this book. Save not only for your child?s college education fund but for the emotional strength and sanity of your entire family!?
?Judge Irene Sullivan, ret., author Raised by the Courts: One Judge?s Insight into Juvenile Justice.
?Dr. Rabinor provides a much needed bridge to get even the angriest of exes to understand the importance of an amicable co-parenting relationship. Truly a must-read for anyone facing a separation/divorce or who has already gone through one. Dr. Rabinor
shows that it?s never too late to heal from divorce!
?Debra Mandel, Ph.D., author of four books including Dump That Chump: From Doormat to Diva in Only Nine Steps-A Guide to Getting Over Mr. Wrong.
?Judith Rabinor has written a guide to divorce that is sensitive while offering tough advice; seemingly overly optimistic yet realistic for those able to take the long view of divorce.?
?Robert E. Emery, Ph.D. Director of the Center for Children, Families, and the Law, University of Virginia
?I highly recommend this book to anyone who truly wants to get along with their ex as well as to those who have no interest in being friends. Every page is full of well-researched information, tips and ideas that can help even the most jilted of spouses find a path out of their pain and relate to their ex in a way that promotes healing for everyone involved. ?
?Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW, author of Contemplating Divorce and Stronger Day by Day
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Source: http://stacyknows.com/2012/befriending-divorce-works/
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